The 007 MOST EMO Bond Moments

“Emo” is the latest craze hitting today’s hottest city streets. Teens everywhere are being emo, and loving every minute of it! I can’t say exactly what emo is, but I think it vaguely involves being dramatic and/or self-consciously dark and emotional. Little do teens realise that James Bond 007 has been doing emo for over 40 years, and like Carly Simon once said, nobody does it better. Thus, here is a list of the 007 most emo Bond moments.

001: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

Part of the emo culture demands looking like an idiot. Thus, emos worldwide don their greasy black fringes and Buddy Holly glasses in their quest to disgust me even more than they already do. James Bond, however, pioneered the look in the classic YOLT. In a misguided bid to look Japanese, Bond dons an emo haircut and starts moping. This moment could also easily fit on The 007 Most Mr. Spock Bond Moments. Look out for that list around June.

002: THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH (1999)

A wise man once called Pierce Brosnan “the most emo Bond”. It is tough to argue. After all, no Bond has ever displayed such a fascination with the sensual allure of death. In both TWINE and TOMORROW NEVER DIES, Brosnan suckles and nuzzles the corpses of his various Bond girls. The nuzzling scene in TWINE is probably the most emo, following Bond’s execution of the evil, yet beauteous, Elektra King. In the original script there was a climactic scene of Bond writing badly-spelled poetry to celebrate his love-hate relationship with Elektra, but it was excised from the film because it was deemed unrealistic for Bond to prioritise poetry over preventing a nuclear submarine from destroying Istanbul.

003: ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

In this most emotional of Bond films, it was only natural that some emo should rear its ugly head. The most significant occurrence is Tracy’s first conversation with Bond, after she just lost a big hand at the baccarat table:

Bond: “Next time, play it safe and stand on five.”

Tracy: “If you want to stay alive, play it safe.”

Oh no! Suicide! Bitch be crazy! Thankfully, Bond manages to salvage the moment with this delightfully callous line if dialogue:

Bond: “Please stay alive! At least for tonight!”

Please note that cheerfully, tastelessly mentioning that you want to have sex with a potential suicide case is a good way to score with them. I guess what they do afterwards with a length of rope is their business.

004: THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)

Roger Moore was the least emo Bond, so it was up to his co-stars to pick up the slack. Foremost was Richard Kiel, better known as Jaws. In the train scene, Anya opens up her closet to reveal Jaws being emo within. The scene is brief, but shockingly emo. Bond boffins may not know this, but one telling scene was left on the cutting room floor: Jaws admitting to Anya before trying to kill her that when he was a teenager, he would turn up the stereo in his bedroom so that his parents couldn’t hear him screaming. A fine character moment for Jaws, wrongly excised in favour of mindless action. For shame, Lewis Gilbert.

005: DR. NO (1962)

This is the first recorded instance of emo in a James Bond film. Whereas in later films the filmmakers would emphasise the joy Bond takes in killing baddies, DN shows the dark toll that murder can take on a young heart. Towards the climax, Bond sneaks up on one of Dr. No’s guards and chokes him to death behind a blurry glass screen. After the guard dies, Bond slowly, emo-ly, sinks to the floor with the corpse, possibly with emo tears in his eyes – his innocence forever lost.

006: GOLDENEYE (1995)

Early in this film, Bond urges his good friend to, “shut the door, there’s a draft!”. This eerily mirrors the heartrending lyrics to Panic! At The Disco’s emo song “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”, in which the singer urges his listeners to, “close the god damn door.”

Look, it was hard filling up 007 spaces on this list. Just bear with me

007: CASINO ROYALE (2006)

CR was released in the thick of the western world’s fascination with emo, and thus glommed onto the trend like a cat rubbing its face in a patch of dog piss. Emo is used in CR as an intertextual means of letting today’s more emocore teens relate to Bond and his dark, dark world. There could have been any number of moments chosen from CR to fill up all 007 spots on this list, including the moment where Bond stares at his brooding reflection in a mirror. ;_;

However, the moment that takes the cake is when Bond returns to his hotel room to find Vesper Lynd being basically pretty emo in the shower. Bond joins her and is also rather emo. Emo.

A hearty thank you to the glorious Andrew Ellis for the glorious logo at the top of this glorious list. It can’t have been easy to persuade Sean Connery to participate in that photoshoot.