ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE and Me

ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE, known affectionately by fans as OHMSS, and known affectionately by people who can’t tell the difference between different movies as JUNGLE 2 JUNGLE, is pretty much the greatest thing ever devised by God, man, machine, or Broccoli.

My relationship with OHMSS, along with my relationships with virtually every other Bond movie, started in 1996. In my first flush with Bond at the age of 10, I rented a battered VHS copy. Prior to this, I had heard of the film from my friend Thomas, who said that it had, “James Bond running along a beach in wet pants”. This was not very informative, so I decided to see the film for myself.

And I didn’t like it. At all. It was boring. That mountaintop scene went on forever. It was boring. I didn’t like George Lazenby. It was boring. I didn’t like all the wacky camerawork and editing. First and foremost, IT WAS BORING. Yeah, that’s a shallow criticism to make, but it held true. Its boringness was its big drawback. That, and the guy played James Bond… a man I like to call The Lazinator.

Flash forward to ten years later. I now understand what makes James Bond movies work. And – hey presto! – OHMSS is suddenly the best thing ever. After GOLDFINGER, THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, sex, tacos and fluffy kittens, of course, but right up there.

Over the coming weeks (months? years?) I will take an in-depth look at this Bond classic. I’d call it an overlooked Bond classic, but it’s not. Its reputation was solid when I first hit the fan scene in 1996, and it’s only ever grown since, if only because I’ve been won over by its charms.

Chief among those charms? That fella I like to call The Lazinator. I hear his parents intended to call him that as well, but he intimidated them into changing it while still in the womb, because he’s that much of a badass. Please stay tuned.