The 007 Most Unintentionally Funny Bond Moments

Because you demanded it, here is a countdown of the most unintentionally funny moments in all 21 Bond films. The list runs from 001 through to 007, with 007 being the coveted top-spot, for obvious reasons.

Hint: it's because Bond's code-number is 007. Duh.

001: Bond running

Six actors have now played James Bond on film. Of that six, only two managed to master the art of running without looking like complete girls. As we all know, Sean Connery is The Man, and say what you will about George Lazenby’s acting, but the fella knew how to get from A to B without having people laugh at him. The others, though?

Roger Moore was the first Girly Bond, and as such bore the brunt of the criticism. Until then, no Bond had been this much of a dork. Moore bravely broke the mold, by running, in his own admission, like he, “had a broomstick up my ass.”

Timothy Dalton set a shocking record by being the second consecutive Bond to run like a girl. Not just any girl - a fat girl. At this point, there was an appalling 50% rate of Bonds who weren’t gimps.

This rate plummeted to a dismal 40% when Pierce Brosnan arrived on the scene. Having first come to attention as a finicky fop in the fantastic Remington Steele, nobody was expecting much of Brosnan’s running talents, but he still managed to disappoint, by not only running like a girl, but by running like a girl with such self-important conviction.

Having only seen CASINO ROYALE (2006) once, I cannot completely vouch for Daniel Craig’s running skills. I don’t think he was a complete embarrassment, but he did seem a little top-heavy. Like a barrel running around on little chicken legs.

An honourable mention goes to Bob Simmons, who doubled Sean Connery for running scenes in many of his movies, and managed to look like an utter fucking goon each and every time. What a nerd.

002: Inappropriately loud music

As FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE was made in ancient times, the filmmakers were given leeway on how ridiculous and sloppy their movies could be. Audiences in 1963 were lucky to be alive, what with all those dinosaurs and tuberculosis and Hitlers they had to deal with, so relaxing in a “theatre” and watching moving “pictures” was something of a luxury. Thus, they didn’t mind when the producers slapped in stock music of the James Bond Theme, at full volume, during a scene of Bond chilling out in his hotel room. The addition of this music adds a feverish, almost crazed undercurrent to an otherwise innocuous scene.

Rewatchability Count: 1 viewing should be enough. It lasts long enough for even the least attentive viewer to catch on.

003: Roger Moore is centuries old

Roger Moore was pushing 60 when he starred in A VIEW TO A KILL (1985), and it shows. There are subtle indications of his age, such as the awkward facelift he sports throughout the film, or the length of time it takes for him to muster up the energy to insert his penis into Tanya Roberts, but one moment near the end takes the cake: as he climbs onto the crane operated by May Day (Grace Jones) to escape the mine. It’s a routine action, but Roger takes a good 5 seconds or so to clamber up onto the thing, and he looks like he has cerebral palsy while doing so.

Rewatchability Count: about 2, maybe 3 times, depending on how much you love Roger Moore. If you’re a fan, then 2 will be enough, because you’ll start to pity him by the 3rd viewing.

004: Halle Berry in general

Despite what her Oscar win would imply, Halle Berry cannot actually act. Despite what her lack of acting ability would imply, she retains a strange likeability, perhaps borne of pity. No viewer will be able to go without pitying poor Halle after a viewing of DIE ANOTHER DAY (2002), which includes some of the worst moments in the entire series, many of which are directly attributable to Halle. From her thuddingly unfunny line delivery, (“I think I got the THRUST of it!”) to her Earth-shakingly funny computer-enhanced backflip dive off a cliff into the ocean, Halle never fails to entertain! The only way she could be funnier is if she reappeared in a post-credits Easter egg riding a unicycle while dressed as a clown and honking a big horn, but that would fall under the “Intentionally Funny” banner and would thus be ineligible for inclusion on this list. I thank Lee Tamahori for this wise creative decision.

Rewatchability Count: 0, because the Halle Berry moments come at such a rapid clip that you will be too punch-drunk with anger and pain to use your remote control.

005: Feverish bobsled chase

A panel of experts (namely, myself) have deemed ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE (1969) the Most Feverish Bond Film. It’s full of sped-up footage and choppy editing, and this can lead to accidental humour. The laughs come thickest and fastest during the climactic bobsled pursuit, as Bond pursues Blofeld (Telly Savalas) down a mountain, against a backdrop of hideous blue-screen rear-projection. From Telly’s throaty laughter at seeing Bond blown up by a grenade, to the hollow clang made by Bond’s helmet as he smacks his head on his bobsled, to the frantic eye-wiping motions Bond does when he gets ice on his goggles that make him look like he’s wiping away girly tears, you will laugh so hard that your cheeks could well be paralysed for life.

Rewatchability Count: 2, for good measure. Things happen so quickly that a second go-round would be advisable to digest it all.

006: “Who the HELL are you?”

In YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967), Bond infiltrates Blofeld’s eerie volcano lair in a bid to rescue captive astronauts. In order to best do so, he dresses in a soft cotton skivvy and balaclava. He looks like a manchild whose guardian swaddled them in “safety gear” for a trip to the shops, but he’s actually supposed to be a well-trained ninja. Whatever.

When rescuing the astronauts, Bond pops his head up through the bars on their cell door and announces, “Good evening!”. The astronauts take a good look at this moron, and one irritably asks, “Who the HELL are you?”. One of the most realistic moments in a Bond film.

Rewatchability Count: 2 or 3.

007: Intercourse with table

If you’ve seen THUNDERBALL (1965), you’ll know the drill. Bond is strapped to a spine-stretching machine, which is essentially a long table that jerks back and forth as he lies fastened to it. Then a villain enters the room and cranks the machine up to a deadly level of spine-stretchingness. What results is the most fall-down funny moment in the whole series as the viewer is treated to a good twenty seconds of Sean Connery screaming and writhing on the table. Yes, I’ll lower myself to the obvious: it looks like he’s having sex with the table. No, not just sex – it looks like he’s having his ass torn to shreds by a giant tabular (?) penis, and loving every minute of it. The poor guy just gets pounded.

Rewatchability Count: infinite. Every time I manage to convince myself that I have a sophisticated sense of humour, I find myself rewinding this scene multiple times and laughing like a man possessed. I have no excuse.

Please note: in actuality, being raped by tables is no laughing matter. If you, or any friends you know of, are in danger of being raped by a table, please contact that Table Rape Helpline at 1800-SHOULDERTOCRYON. This has been a YOU ONLY BLOG TWICE community notice.